The A-List E4: Of Pretty Girls and Howler Monkeys

"Can we shoot nude and get some ass cheek?"

Austin gives us a good demonstration of his reasoning capabilities by explaining why he's taking Jake to Fire Island one more time: because he "wants to get him away from all the guys." Well then. Fire Island's definitely where you want to be. They grab a bite and do that thing that all new couples do; they discuss other people's relationships and how they compare to their own, far superior one. No one else on this show will allow themselves to be photographed eating but it seems like it's all these two ever do. "I love you and I want to be with you forever," says Austin through the food in his mouth.

Derek is planning his Pride party, which is sure to be the event of the season in Derek's mind. He introduces us to his new assistant, who he lovingly refers to by a nickname for a woman's genitalia. "I just became so overwhelmed with parties and invites, I just needed someone to help me," he explains. We try not to laugh too hard because we're taking notes for this post. He informs little Vulva or whatever her name is, "I want everyone to see me. I want everyone to tell me how great I am," and we're struck by just how sad these people really are. No, really. "I want everyone to tell me how great I am," is a life goal for a 6-year-old. Anyone who has pubic hair shouldn't be saying something like that out loud, let alone to cameras. Then again, the chances of Derek actually having any body hair are about as slim as his hips. He flaps his mouth, going on and on to his poor "assistant" about his plans for the party. "The guest list is pretty exclusive," which is just ass-cover for "No one's going to show up." He adds, "I don't want it to turn into one of those nasty, gay Pride parties," apparently preferring the Pride parties full of clean straight people.

Later Mike takes pictures of Trent, who he introduces as, "a guy named Trent." Trent has cancer and started a charity for cancer patients, which Mike finds very admirable. So admirable, he never once mentions the organization or even Trent's last name. A production assistant comes in, removes the battery pack from Mike, and packs him away until the next time they need him.

Spa day for the girls! Derek, Ryan, Reichen and Rodiney all meet up in a totally empty spa and subject the poor spa girls to the neverending stream of vapid bullshit that flows out of their mouths. R&R bitch about each other behind each other's backs. "I've given him -materialistically and financially - everything I possibly could," says Reichen to a pursed-lip, wide-eyed Ryan, who's perhaps too polite to point out that "giving everything financially" is probably not the first thing you want to say about your relationship. Although really, the only reason he didn't say that is because of the following gay arithmetic problem:

Excessive botox + dried mud mask = total silence due to an inability to move one's facial muscles.

Meanwhile, Roidney is unloading on Derek in the jacuzzi. Not that way. "Why he so mean to me?" he moans. "Why Reichen is such a doiwty hoor?" "It's doomed," Derek sneers. Derek always sneers.

Ryan is putting together a photo shoot for Austin and they have a meeting with a celebrity stylist. Austin is peeved that the sylist doesn't recognize his innate talent for sleeping with Marc Jacobs. The stylist puts him in some clothes and orders him to, "as a model, sell this to me." "You mean, like, pose?" asks Austin, inadvertently revealing exactly why he has no job.

Derek is meeting Roberto for a date. He "met" him at the Carnival party but doesn't remember much about him because he was blind drunk. They head to yet another empty bar. A-listers are so popular, they spend all their time alone. Derek all but declares him the love of his life. "I'm ready now!" he cries and throws his legs in the air for love. "My perfect guy is rich, successful and hopefully at the top of the A-list," he informs us, scribbling "Derek + Roberto" on his Trapper Keeper.

Reichen and Roidney make omelettes in their underwear, thrusting their bulges at each other and the cameraman. "Since I moved to NY, I've been juggling so much," Reichen tells us, and single moms working 4 jobs to get their kids through high school intact all rise up as one and tear him limb from limb like the Furies of old.

Okay, we imagined that last part. Wished for it a little, actually. Anyway, the "play" Reichen is "starring" in is going from 4 nights to 3 nights a week. Roidney doesn't have a job and doesn't much care. Reichen doesn't think Roidney understands his stress. "It seems like it never ends, " says Reichen. "What you mean?" asks Roidney. "We still have the reality TV show, which pays for this apartment, right?" Roidney is quietly ushered off-camera to have a talk with the producers.

It's Gay Pride in NYC and Reichen's marching with the cast of his play. Some shirtless muscle guy wants to make out with Reichen. Reichen does too. Want to make out with Reichen, that is. Unfortunately, he's trying to be good and manages to get out, "My boyfriend's not here, bu --" before the shirtless muscle guy vanishes in a puff of pink smoke, seeking greener pastures. Ah, Pride. Reichen whines some more about how hard his life is. "I have moved to NY from LA!" he cries, as if he came in covered wagon or something.

Mike's dad comes for a visit and they squeeze out some tears for the camera. They put Mike back in his box.

It's the day of Austin's photo shoot! T.J. loves Austin's bulge. Austin loves that T.J. loves his bulge. "Can we shoot nude and get some ass cheek?" T.J. is excited that Austin wants to be naked. Within seconds, Austin is naked. T.J. loves it, but Ryan's a little put out. "It's always a good day for me when I get to see a naked man." says T.J., which means he probably has a very sad life. "Hopefully these photos will land him some kind of job in this town," says Ryan, pointedly flipping through the back pages of HX on camera.

Jake and Ryan have dinner in an empty restaurant the night before he's supposed to leave. They exchange rings and agree to meet with the immigration lawyer Ryan introduced them to. "Hey, let's go to Times Square!" says Austin, food falling out of his mouth. It sounds a little like "Is that ice?" coming from the deck of the Titanic.

Reichen and Roidney meet a counselor and talk about their feelings, this time with their clothes on, which makes the scene all but unbearable. When asked to describe the relationship, Reichen makes cash register sounds and dollar signs pop up in his eyeballs. After some revealing back and forth, the counselor turns to Roidney and says "He's a narcissistic asshole who only thinks in terms of money and sex. Just sayin'." They hug and cry.

Ryan and T.J. show up at Derek's place, which is a huge loft that clearly doesn't belong to him. They compare outfits for the party. "I'm going to be the prettiest girl in that room," sneers Derek, writing in glitter pen on her jeans. T.J. reveals that he has nipple hair and the other queens declare him unfuckable because of it. Derek sneers some more and asks Ryan about Austin. "Austin is a douchebag," says Ryan. He never showed up for his immigration lawyer appointment. Derek sneers some more.

Next, it's Derek's party and at least a dozen people show up! Roberto is not one of them, but Austin is. Derek is livid. Ryan has to speak his mind to Austin because no one showed up for this party and the people that did show up are all huddling in a corner, not wanting to have anything to do with some crappy reality show. Austin blows him off. "I'm about to explode," says Ryan,his face getting puffier by the second. "Backyard brawl meets Times Square. Such trash," he sniffs, and for once, we have to agree. Austin missed the meeting because he and Jake were "punching each other in the face?" What the hell is that? Not that we believe him. This all supposedly happened a few days before and yet Austin's face doesn't have a mark on it. T.J. takes over for Ryan and goes full-on howler monkey in Austin's face. Derek quickly intercedes as one simply doesn't shriek at trashy party crashers at the Social Event of the Season. Everyone hates Austin now, so you can rest assured they'll talk about almost nothing else for the rest of the series. Will Austin survive the socialites turning their back on him? "You should know better than to bite the hand that feeds you," says Ryan, eyes narrowed for his best Alexis Carrington impersonation. Derek's more of an Angela Channing, so she puts things more bluntly: "We have to figure out a way to get this imbecile Austin out of our social circle."

Stay tuned, bitches! Isn't this all SCINTILLATING?

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Labels: A-List: New York, A-List: New York Season 1